Two Broke Chicks Podcast Episode #111: How To Get Over a Break Up
Sal and Al dish their top tips on surviving heartbreak and getting your bestie through a break up.
Have you ever had to nurse your bestie through a horrible break up? Maybe your bff had to be a shoulder for YOU to ugly cry on? Well, no matter where you're sitting, break ups suck.
From binge watching Sex and the City to having the glow up of the century, Al shares how she has survived even the most brutal breakups. Meanwhile, Sal gives her top tier tips on getting a friend through heartbreak including tough love and why ​talking shit about your bestie's ex can blow up in your face.
Whether you're going through a break up yourself or helping a loved one through it, this ep will give you the tools you need to come through the other side stronger and only SLIGHTLY traumatised.
P.S. Dump him.
Want to send us a question to answer during 'Class In Session'? DM us @twobrokechicks on Instagram
LISTEN TO EP #11
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Alex Hourigan
Howdy y'all. I'm Al.
Sally McMullen
And I'm Sal.
Alex Hourigan
And this is Two Broke Chicks, the show that dishes life lessons for the gals from the gals. And today we are talking about the fabulous spicy topic: breakups. We've all either been through them or watched someone we love go through them. So we're gonna jump into how to not only get over a relationship and a breakup, but also how a friend can help. Before we get into the episode, we're gonna jump into our life lessons. What's your life lesson this week gal pal?
Sally McMullen
So this is a really easy one. I learned a really simple breathing exercise to help calm nerves last week. So you close your eyes. Feel free to do this with me.
Alex Hourigan
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Sally McMullen
Close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds, 1-2-3-4. Then exhale out with your mouth for six seconds, 1-2-3-4-5-6. And apparently, that really helps calm your nerves if you're about to go into a bit of an anxiety tailspin as I like to do on the daily apparently. And I've actually used it a few times since learning it, when I've started to feel, you know, that little like, tingling feeling of stress and anxiety. And before I let it spiral, I'll do that breathing exercise for you know, a couple of times, like maybe five times in a row or something, and it's literally stopped me from spiralling like, it's so helpful. And I know that's probably a really simple tip, but I didn't know it before. And there are so many as well. Like, if that doesn't work for you, just Google breathing exercises, and there's so many different types. So, that's my lesson, what's yours Al?
Alex Hourigan
I think that's so good as well, because people focus a lot of the time on the inhale rather than exhale. They'll like focus on taking a big breath in, but you actually need to focus on exhaling the bullshit-
Sally McMullen
Literally.
Alex Hourigan
-you know?
Sally McMullen
Yeah.
Alex Hourigan
Okay, so my tip is actually a quote from Florence Given. She's the author of the book, 'Women Don't Owe You Pretty'. I'm obsessed with her. She's amazing.
Sally McMullen
Follow her on Instagram, if you don't already.
Alex Hourigan
She's got some great content. Anyway, she was on her story talking the other day and she said, this sentence that really stuck with me, well, technically, it's two sentences. But it said, when you get caught up in making the right decision, you end up never making a decision at all. The power lies in making a decision.
Oh, damn!
Right? I was like, damn girl! 'Cause that happens to me all the time that I'm just like, I don't know what to do. Because, like, what happens if this happens? And what happens if that happens? And I can overthink and then I sometimes just end up being like, you know what, whatever happens, happens, it is what it is. I'll just let the pieces fall where they do. And I won't do that anymore.
Sally McMullen
Yeah. You just, like, lose out on so many opportunities doing that. And I'm the exact same, like, you know, I'm so indecisive, and I will, yeah, just overthink every possible thing that could happen. But sometimes you just have to make the decision and that's where the power lies. And often if you make the wrong decision, then at least you can learn from that and go from there rather than still being stuck in that same position where you were before. So I love that. Thanks, Florence.
Alex Hourigan
Breakups. Super fun. We all love them. I have had two probably serious breakups, I would say in my life. One was my first relationship as, like, a teenager that lasted for about three years, and that ended up being me ending that relationship. And then my recent relationship, which ended about a year and a half ago, I would say and in that one, I got my ass dumped. I got dumped, like, hard dumping
Sally McMullen
With a capital d!
Alex Hourigan
It sucked! And you know what? Whether or not you are the person that is breaking up with someone, or being broken up with, or whether it's a mutual thing, regardless of where you are, it hurts and it sucks. It's not easy for anyone involved. We're going to start with my tips for getting over a breakup and then we're going to jump into Sally's tips for helping a friend through a breakup. Those ones are fun.
Sally McMullen
That's a whole can of worms.
Alex Hourigan
So do you feel like a lot of them have applied to, like, a couple of your friend's breakups?
Sally McMullen
Absolutely.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah.
Sally McMullen
I would say that this is like an accumulation of so many different breakups that I have witnessed or helped people through. Because Like Al said, I've been in a relationship for 13 years and we've never broken up and got back together or anything like that. So I've had, like, breakups in high school, and in primary school, those ones really hurt. But, but yeah, I've never gone through a serious break up myself, but I have witnessed many, many. So yes, this is, you know, a bit of a combination of all of those experiences.
Alex Hourigan
Okay, good. So it's not just, like, a personal attack on me.
Sally McMullen
Oh, no, it is.
Alex Hourigan
My first tip for getting over a breakup is that typical rom-com scene of, you've just gotten dumped, go to the couch, get a tub of ice cream and put on your favourite like sitcom show. The best thing that I did was watching a show that I'd never watched before, so I could really get engrossed in that. And it wasn't about romance, this fabulous show that I'm talking to you about is 'Sex and the City'. This show literally pulled me out of my breakup depression and was like, 'girl, men come and go, friendships are forever'. Also, it's just hilarious. It is the best show. If you haven't watched it. Go do that right now. I remember, it was like day three and I went to my parents, because I was just a mess, and I was living by myself at this point. There's this scene, and Samantha was just being Samantha. And my dad pulls my mom aside and he goes, "Do you think the show's gonna be the best influence on her?".
Sally McMullen
Samantha is the best influence any of us could ever have.
Alex Hourigan
Right? And then my mom has to be like, "Well, Greg, you know, she's 24. Like, she's an adult now. She's going, doing adult things". And he was like, "Oh, God!"
Sally McMullen
My baby!
Alex Hourigan
Legit! But just watch something that isn't something that you watch with your partner, or your ex partner. And it's just something new and focuses on more important relationships that aren't just romantic, like friendships and things like that. There's this line in it, it's like, "what if we're each other's soulmates?", and that sent me.
Sally McMullen
You're gonna make me cry.
Alex Hourigan
But anyway, that would be my number one tip. Watch Sex and the City.
Sally McMullen
That's a good one.
Alex Hourigan
And eat everything. Number two is to read 'The Breakup Boss' by Zoe Foster Blake. This book is amazing at forcing you to take an objective view of your relationship, and just take a step back and have a look at what went wrong. Or maybe it didn't necessarily go wrong, and it just kind of fizzled out. But it really takes you through kind of the grieving and the mourning process of a relationship. I read this after my first breakup and it really helped me kind of leave the past where it should be, and just gave really good actionable tips. I love her.
Sally McMullen
She's great.
Alex Hourigan
When I grow up, I want to be Zoe Foster Blake.
Sally McMullen
Don't we all? I want to be their kids.
Alex Hourigan
If you're listening, we're available for adoption. Okay, so next up is something that I have made the mistake in personally, was don't get on the dating apps too soon. This might be a bit of an unpopular opinion, because there's kind of that whole, 'to get over someone get under someone', which I just don't think you need to necessarily do because it's so hard to take away that want or need for like, romance that you have had so much of in a relationship. You need to get used to being by yourself again for a little bit and re-introducing yourself to who you are as a single person. Whether or not you've been dating someone for two months, or two years or two decades. You know? There's definitely a shift in who you are when you're with someone and when you're not with someone and not having that person to text or call when something bad happens or being able to go out on dates and reintroducing yourself to like friendship groups and careers and things like that. You just need to chill and take a moment before you're kind of jumping back into the pool. Because I found that when I started dating too early, I was meeting people that honestly there was quite a lot of potential there with them, and I just was not ready for the relationship.
You need to give yourself the time to be on your own, know how to be single and then go out and flirt and have fun and get the bad pancake out of the way which is basically like, you know when you cook pancakes and the bad ones, the first one sorry, is always a bit of a dud? That's kind of what it's like when you're dating someone.
So this one, multiple therapists will probably disagree with me and be like 'do not do this' but go on a bender, girl. Go out for a night on the town with your best girlfriends, spend way too much money on cocktails, go have a boogie and just have a good time. But maybe try to get the crying out before you do this. I think it was maybe, like, a good month before we had our phase, but I definitely, every Friday night, was enjoying just being single and being able to go out with my friends and not necessarily have any other plans. Don't go out with the intention of picking up or doing any of that, just go have a really nice night with the gals, or gal, in my case. It was just Sally.
Sally McMullen
Because we don't have any other friends.
Alex Hourigan
Pretty much. Next one is both of you need space. You are not going to help each other through a breakup. Like, it just doesn't work like that. You can't comfort each other through it. It ain't gonna work, you're never gonna move on. So, both of you need some space. You can't meet up, like, a week after being like, 'how are you?'. And you can't text or call. I would say just block them, send them a text, or just mute them or whatever it is, but try to avoid seeing them in as many ways as possible. This is super fun for me when I work with my ex. So I can't do that one. But when it was my first relationship, we just ended up sending a text and being like, look, you know what, I just need to block you on everything, because it's just gonna be a bit too hard. And I don't necessarily have the self control not to go snooping.
Sally McMullen
I like that. I think that's a mature one. Especially if you have the conversation beforehand, then nobody gets hurt. You're being transparent, and you get the job done.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah.
Sally McMullen
It's for the best.
Alex Hourigan
Last, but most definitely not least, is have a glow up. Have a glow up, go get your hair done, tan, nails. Literally pamper yourself from head to toe, get a massage, and just feel your oats and I promise you, it will just make you feel so much better. I love that meme that's like, if she's changed her hair colour, it's over.
Sally McMullen
That's when you know that they've moved on.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah. Have a glow up and leave that shit in your past, girl.
Sally McMullen
As we mentioned earlier, oftentimes when you're going through a breakup, your best friend is most certainly going on this journey with you. And I have helped Al through, you know, some tough times and also many other friends. So, I've got some solid tips that I have collected over the years. The first one is actually listen to your friend and don't assume or trivialise their emotions. This is something that I've had to learn over time, because often you've heard a lot of this stuff, you know, throughout the relationship. You've heard a lot of the problems and it's kind of hard not to be like, 'Yeah, well, what do you expect?', you know, play down their emotions, because sometimes you're not thinking rationally when you're, when you've been broken up. You know, like, you are like, this is the end, I'm probably going to be alone forever. You know, all of that stuff goes through your head. Yeah, don't trivialise their emotions, and just be there to listen. Maybe don't even offer advice at first, just let them-
Alex Hourigan
Word vomit.
Sally McMullen
Exactly.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah. I think as well, when you're saying things like, 'oh, like they did this, and like, they're such a dick and blah, blah, blah', or they're like, so mean, or rude or whatever. A lot of the time, the person saying those things, they already know that. They already know that they've probably rolled over a couple times to things that they should have been a little bit more vocal about or stood up for themselves a bit more. And they don't necessarily need someone to be like, well, you're an idiot for staying with them. And I think that's a really valid point.
Sally McMullen
Like the 'told you so' thing. Nobody really needs to hear that.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah.
Sally McMullen
But I think on the same note, you need to tell your friend the hard truths. And I think that you kind of have to play this by ear a little bit. Because if they're going through the same thing over and over, and you're having the same conversation over and over, and maybe they're getting back with the person or you know, like, they're just really struggling to move on. You do just have to say it how it is because as their friend, you shouldn't be there to sugarcoat this information. And especially if they're in a situation where you can see like they're hurting themselves, or you know, like they're stuck in this place, and it's not healthy for them. It's hard, because often you'll get that thing where your friend is like, 'Oh, you're just being a bitch', or you know, like you are putting yourself in the bad guy's shoes. And that's really hard, it's really hard to have those hard, like tough conversations with somebody that you love, especially when they're hurting. But I've just found that a lot of the time, everybody else, you know, kind of prefers to look the other way. Tell them the hard truth and put up with those glares because it will be better for them in the long run. I think as well, another part of that is don't get too excited, because they may get back together. So that's another thing that I've learned many times, with many friends and loved ones. It's really easy to, especially if they've been in like a shit relationship for a long time and you're like thank God you feel a lot of relief. And also because they're usually shit talking their ex a whole lot as well. So you want to jump on and be like, 'Yeah! And this thing, and this!', which is what I tend to do. And then they end up getting back together and then you're like, like it's so awkward. Say the truth, but maybe wait, wait a little while until you know it's really over before you spill all the tea.
Alex Hourigan
Honestly, speaking from our experience in our relationship, when that happened, it got to a point that I was like, 'Oh, I don't know if I want to tell Sally everything, because I don't want her to hate anyone that I'm dating.'
Sally McMullen
Yeah. When your friend does come to you, and they're going through a breakup, I think you need to ask them, are they here for comfort or are they here for solutions? Because a lot of the time, they will come and rant to you and you will have that list of all the things that they've done and all the things that your bestie should do, like block them, do this, do that. And usually, they don't want to hear that. At that point, they're not ready to hear that, they just want to vent. So, if you ask them that, then you're not also putting your energy in, into providing all of those solutions, because that's the most hurtful thing, for me as a friend, is that you put so much energy in. You give all of this advice, all of these tips and then when they do the opposite, you're like, 'Well, what was the point?'.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah.
Sally McMullen
I'm emotionally drained from this, but it's like, well, that's not what they wanted in the first place. So if you open up the convo and you're like, alright, I'm just gonna sit back and relax, and then, you know, queue up Legally Blonde, for when they're ready to chill.
Alex Hourigan
I think that's a good point as well, in terms of telling your friend, the emotional investment that you're giving them, getting them through this as well. And that way, if they do choose to get back with a person or anything like that, you can also set that personal boundary of being like, Look, you need to do, or want to do, what you got to do. However, I'm not going to have an emotional stake in this relationship anymore. It's draining me emotionally now and also, from a friend's perspective, if you're the one that's in the bit of a rocky relationship, you need to also respect your friends emotions.
Sally McMullen
Yeah.
Alex Hourigan
And friendships are the most important part. You shouldn't be sacrificing any of your best friends for a boy.
Sally McMullen
Yeah, or for anyone. Yeah. But on a final note, throw them a self care slumber party and book in gal time. As Al said, this is a really important time to, you know, spend time alone, get to know yourself again. But also, you know, you should be there for them and do something that's really fun, that they don't even have to think about. Like, if you can organise everything, invite them over, so you know, you're not in their space where they might be reminded of their ex, queue up their favourite movies, get all of their favourite snacks, and just have, like, some good gal pal time. And then when they're ready, you know, you can go out and do some fun things like, go shopping, or go out for drinks. You know, so that they aren't just left alone on the weekends in the time that they would usually be spending with their partner. And I think that, you know, often you don't even want to put the effort into like organising fun things for yourself when you're going through a breakup. So as the bestie, that's your job.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, give them the distraction that they need. Because otherwise their mind's gonna wander. And you know what, you might have that self care slumber party, and they might cry the whole time. They might be a little bit sooky that whole time, but I promise you, they're going to be a lot less sadder there, when they're sad with you, than if they're sad by themselves.
Sally McMullen
Sometimes you'll have these self care slumber parties, you know, you'll shower your friend in attention for the month after the break up and then, you know, you think that they're fine, and you'll kind of taper off or, or go back to even like your BAU friendship. But I think it's really important to check in on them regularly, weeks or months after the breakup, because I think that is probably the hardest time, right? Because that's when it's really sunk in, if they haven't gotten back together, or it's kind of like, 'oh, shit', like 'this is real'. And I can imagine that that would almost be the even more hurtful time because you're not in shock. Like you're really feeling it, everything settling in, it's real.
Alex Hourigan
And you know what, it doesn't have to be like a super on the nose thing, either. It's just like a 'Hey, how you going, want to get a coffee? Wanna go for a walk?' And if they need to talk about it, it will very likely come up. And you don't have to necessarily be okay with all of it. Like you can still hold regrets or miss a person but you do need to, like, close the chapter. And your friends are going to help you through that.
Sally McMullen
I think that's a wrap on-
Alex Hourigan
Love you!
Sally McMullen
-all of my tips. Love you too! Break ups suck, whether you're going through it or you're watching somebody else go through it. It's just the worst, they're never fun. And I don't think there's any right way to go through it either.
Alex Hourigan
No!
Sally McMullen
So, if you have any tips, hit us up @twobrokechicks on Instagram and let us know what just gotten you or your friends through a breakup, we'd love to know.
Alex Hourigan
After that fabulous journey, we're gonna go into Class is in Session. So Class is in Session is when one of y'all sends us a fabulous little DM on our Instagram, @twobrokechicks, for some advice and we give you our best go. For legal reasons, you do not have to take any of this advice. So, we've got a DM from Nadia from Victoria, who asked us, "I have a suspicion my boyfriend is cheating on me. He's super secretive with his phone, hasn't been affectionate and goes M.I.A sometimes. Should I confront him?".
Sally McMullen
So yes, definitely confront them. But I think, also, prepare yourself that it's very likely that they are going to lie about it. So prepare yourself for that. But I think also, at that point, if you're so suspicious of your partner, you also don't trust them. So, if you have asked them, confronted them, and you know, they've told you, whatever the deal is. I think also maybe the relationship's a little bit lost anyway, because you're having these suspicions about the person.
Alex Hourigan
But you know what? On top of that, being super secretive with his phone, hasn't been affectionate and goes M.I.A, those are crap qualities in a partner anyway. Like, regardless of whether or not that they're cheating, those aren't healthy to a relationship in itself. And if that's what's going on in your relationship, you need to have a conversation anyway.
Sally McMullen
So yes, definitely confront him, Nadia.
Alex Hourigan
That's a wrap. We hope that helped if you're going through a breakup at the moment, made you feel a little bit better, gave you a good giggle. If you have a friend that's going through one right now and you're really trying to calm your murderous rage, we hope that helped as well. Head to finder.com.au/twobrokechicks for today's show notes. And if you enjoyed this episode, chuck us a follow on Apple Podcast and Spotify and make sure you show us some love and leave us a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Thanks to our wonderful producer as always Pariya Taherzadeh and our pals at Bamby Media for editing this episode. We'd love for you to check us out and follow us @twobrokechicks on Instagram. We have a lot of fun over there, so come join us, DM us, we're always down for a chat. And as always, thank you so much for having us in your ear holes. We love to be here. See you next time.
Sally McMullen
Bye!
Alex Hourigan
And dump him!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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