Making Smart Life Decisions ft. Smart Women Society
A crash course to get your life together from careers and finances to self-care and relationships.
If you're looking to unf*ck your finances, land your dream job, manifest your best life and sort out your love life, we've got the episode for you. This week we chat how to make smarter life decisions with Smart Women Society founder Téa Angelos.
We cover everything from careers and money to relationships and self-care, so you can level up all areas of your life. Because, as we always say, learning and growing is sxc.
LISTEN TO TWO BROKE CHICKS EP #222
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Alex Hourigan
Hey chicks, I'm Al.
Sally McMullen
And I'm Sal.
Alex Hourigan
And this is Two Broke Chicks, the show that shares life lessons for the gals, from the gals, being Sal and Al. And in today's episode, we're chatting with Tea Angelos from the Smart Women Society. You've likely seen them on Instagram, if you haven't, please check them out. They're a really good vibe on basically how to make smart life decisions, which is exactly what we're talking about today. We're going to be covering career, money, relationships, and self care, and how you can make smart life decisions and all of those different categories. But before we get into the episode, as you know, we love to give our life lesson of the week. So Sally Bally, what did you learn, babes? What did ya learn?
Sally McMullen
This week, I learnt how to upload photos on Instagram or TikTok without losing the image quality.
Alex Hourigan
Ah, I've seen this.
Sally McMullen
Yeah, this is a common gripe that people have. They'll upload a gorgeous video or photo and then when it loads and gets up on the gram, looks like absolute dogshit. So I'm gonna walk you through the steps.
Alex Hourigan
My Instagram was like, "No, Alex, you just look like dogshit".
Sally McMullen
No, never. Okay, step one, go to settings in your Instagram account, then go to account, then data usage. Then there's like a little toggle option, and you can turn on high quality uploads. Switch that on and then when you're offloading, try to make sure you're using like a good quality Wi-Fi connection, so maybe wait till you get home if you're concerned. And then voila! It's as easy as that. Your photos and videos will be uploading in the highest quality possible. You can also go a step further and like edit your photos beforehand, and you know, increase the clarity a little bit more if you want them to look a bit sharper. So that's the Instagram. For TikTok, before you post, scroll to the bottom and click 'More Options', and then turn on high quality upload.
Alex Hourigan
I feel like I need to do that on our account. Because I swear when I upload some of our TikToks, from the podcast, for @twobrokechicks_ on TikTok, they sometimes turn to a dog's breakfast and I'm like, what's going on?
Sally McMullen
Yeah.
Alex Hourigan
Okay, we're gonna go do that after this.
Sally McMullen
What's your life lesson?
Alex Hourigan
Well, speaking of technology, and being dogshit, if you have Airpods, and you've had them for a while or whatever, you probably have noticed that the sound quality has gotten really low. Especially maybe on one ear more than the other. And there's actually a hack that you can do to increase the volume, get them back to kind of the brand new volume you had when you first got them. So obviously, because they're in your ears, and like they're really in there, they get a little bit of gunk and funk in there, and it can block the speaker. So what you have to do, and bear with me here, is get an old toothbrush, dampen it a little bit, and then you scrub like the outside of the earpiece where the little speaker is that goes in your ear. Give that a little bit of a scrub a dub dub, and then you put your mouth, I said bear with me, I said, bear with me. It's clean, we just cleaned it!
Sally McMullen
Okay.
Alex Hourigan
And you put your mouth over that speaker and blow. And so you blow until the point that- there are two dots that have a speaker on your Airpod, there's the really small one, and then there's the bigger one where most of the sound comes out. So you've put your mouth over the larger one and you blow until you can feel air coming out of that small one. And then leave them to dry and have a little moment alone. Think about what they've done. And then when you put them back in your Airpods will be like as good as new.
Sally McMullen
Wow, that's incredible. And cleaning them with a little bit of water.
Alex Hourigan
It was fine. It's a damp toothbrush like you're not gonna be like, Niagara falls get on in here!
Sally McMullen
Literally.
Alex Hourigan
I mean, you put your through the bloody washing machine once and they were fine.
Sally McMullen
Exactly, I was gonna say if you listened to our other episode where my life lesson was that your Airpods can survive the washing machine.
Alex Hourigan
Which is not a green light to put your Airpods in the washing machine by the way, people.
Sally McMullen
No. Scariest moment of my life.
Alex Hourigan
But yeah, that's what you can do if your Airpods volume is dog's poo poo.
Sally McMullen
Love it. Love these high tech life lessons!
Alex Hourigan
High tech, gamer, nerds yeah! Apple's like, "Don't do any of those things. That's gonna drain your battery and your Airpods are gonna die".
Sally McMullen
C'est La Vie.
Alex Hourigan
Well, after those fabulous life lessons, let's jump into it shall we? Hi Tea, welcome to Two Broke Chicks, thanks so much for coming on the show.
Tea Angelos
Hi, ladies. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be on today on this episode.
Alex Hourigan
Love it. Smart Women Society, we've been following it for ages.
Sally McMullen
Yeah!
Alex Hourigan
Like, personally. So we're big fans.
Tea Angelos
And I've been following you guys for ages. I love your TikToks, I always watch them and I'm like this is so interesting.
Alex Hourigan
Oh my god, yay! We love TikTok.
Sally McMullen
It's just a big love fest over here.
Tea Angelos
I love TikTok too.
Alex Hourigan
It's so good.
Tea Angelos
It's way more fun.
Alex Hourigan
You end up in holes for like, four hours straight.
Sally McMullen
Literally, scroll my life away.
Alex Hourigan
So, Smart Women Society is your platform that covers everything from finances, career, relationships. So today we're gonna talk about smart life decisions, we couldn't pick one topic because we were like, we just want to talk to you about all of them. So, we're going to start off with money and then we're gonna also discuss career, self-care and relationships. So for the chicks that the ear holes we're in, stay tuned, we've got a lot of fun stuff coming up. Jumping straight in, money. What is the number one smart life decision you can make with your finances?
Tea Angelos
Honestly, I could list a million things right now. But I think the number one absolute most important anyone listening can do is stop burying your head in the sand, like come face to face with your finances, know where you stand and get educated. So it will be a bit scary, but sit down, write down how much money you make each month, it'll be really easy if you have a salary, it will be a little bit trickier if you're self employed. Go through your last few months, your bank statements, write out your expenses, both your essential stuff and your non essentials. Write out if you have any debt, and it will be super confronting the first time you do this. But knowing where you stand right now with your money is so powerful and it's such a powerful first step to actually changing your relationship with money. So that is the most important first thing, smartest thing that you can do. And then start learning as much as you can about finance, personal finance. So read books, follow us on Instagram, there's so much information out there to help you get smarter with your money.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, I'm definitely guilty of that, not gonna lie.
Sally McMullen
Ignorance is not bliss, when it comes to money.
Alex Hourigan
Especially when, like I have done a budget before, and you realise how little spending money you do actually have. When you break down everything and I mean, like your Netflix and Stan and Disney+ and your 5000 other subscriptions. You actually come away with it and you're like, oh my god, I actually don't have as much money to spend as I thought I did.
Tea Angelos
100% and we posted a tweet ages ago and it was like, "If you're scared to check your bank account, you need to check your bank account".
Alex Hourigan
That is me every Saturday morning and Sunday morning. I'm like-
Sally McMullen
Literally, after the night before.
Alex Hourigan
I'm also so annoying when I've had drinks because I think I'm like everyone's sugar daddy. And I'm like, "You want a drink?".
Tea Angelos
Next round on me!
Alex Hourigan
Or like, we'll order drinks and the person's literally gonna pay and I'm like, "Don't be ridiculous, I'll pay for that!".
Sally McMullen
And they're like, "Why?".
Alex Hourigan
Like, why do I not feel the need to do that? I'm just trying to buy friends at this point.
Sally McMullen
I mean, I didn't want to say it.
Alex Hourigan
They'll be like, "No, no, no". I'm like, "Nah, let me get this one".
Tea Angelos
That's why everyone likes going out with you then.
Sally McMullen
It's all coming out today.
Tea Angelos
No comment. No comment.
Sally McMullen
Literally. On Smart Women Society, I've noticed that you talk quite a bit about SMART money goals as in SMART, can you explain what they are and how you can set them?
Tea Angelos
Yeah, and I'm sure most people listening have heard and set SMART goals before. So same kind of concept but let's chat about like how they work in a money context. So 'S' obviously stands for specific. So be really, really specific about what you want to achieve. So instead of saying, "I want to save more money this year", say, "I want to save $5,000 by the end of the year". So being super specific. 'M' is for measurable. So make sure all your goals are measurable, so you can track progress and the success. For example, say "I want to pay off my debt in six months" or "I want to save $3,000 for my holiday in December". Having something to measure is always a lot easier to keep you motivated along the way. 'A' is for attainable. So it's really important to dream big, but make sure that your goals are also realistic. So you can't really set a goal to save $50,000 a year if your income is $55,000. So make sure your goals are motivating but they're also still not unachievable. 'R' is for relevance. So is this goal, something you really want to achieve? And something that I like giving people a tip on is set that goal as your wallpaper or as your screensaver on your phone or something like keeping it front of mind will actually make you more motivated to keep achieving it. I know a lot of people are now saving for holidays and trips overseas. So if that's really important to you, set a photo of Greece or Italy as your background and always look back on it when you're tempted to buy something else online during the week.
I love that.
Sally McMullen
Me too!
Alex Hourigan
On your phone, that's when you spend a lot of your money, like whether you're online shopping or whatever.
Tea Angelos
And I saw a stat you pick up your phone like 500 times a day or something. Maybe not 500, but you pick it up so many times a day. So having that constantly as your wallpaper, you're like, oh actually, I don't need that random top or actually I don't need that random new lip gloss from Sephora, you know?
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, into it.
Tea Angelos
And then 'T' is time bound. So making sure that you have an expiration date or a finish date for your goal. So really easy if you're planning for something like a holiday and you know that you need to save this amount before the holiday. But yeah, making sure you set a deadline and check in with yourself along the way and see if you're on track or if you kind of need to change it up a little bit. So yeah, mark the dates in your calendar, check in with yourself and yeah, stay on track with it.
Alex Hourigan
Gorgeous. I want to change- what should I change my phone background to? Disneyland?
Sally McMullen
Yeah.
Alex Hourigan
Okay.
Sally McMullen
Mine already is a photo of us at Disneyland.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah. Sal and I are going to America. We went to Hawaii earlier and it was so good, but so expensive.
Tea Angelos
America is so expensive, just in general, like everything is so much pricier than here. Especially like fresh, like healthy food, I noticed.
Alex Hourigan
I know, I actually want to put together like somewhat of a budget for the trip, because I feel like I was completely blindsided by how much international travelling costs, because we haven't been able to do it for three years.
Sally McMullen
Yeah, so true. And I'm usually the sort of person that's like, "Oh, well, I'm on holiday. So I'll just spend whatever!". It's like, it doesn't have to be like that.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah.
Sally McMullen
And then when the exchange rate comes through.
Alex Hourigan
Oh! Ow.
Tea Angelos
So bad.
Alex Hourigan
On that very depressing Australian dollar note, moving into career and how we can make some money so we can spend some money! One of the biggest banes of my existence that I've always hated doing is writing a resume. It sucks. I hate it. I hate the cover letter. I hate the resume. Thank God, don't have to do that anymore because we're living our dream job. What is your do's and don'ts for resume writing that you would give for people that are wanting to, you know, get their dream job or an internship, whatever their spiel is, what's the green tick of approval and the big dirty red cross of don't?
Tea Angelos
Alright, we'll start with do's. First up, make sure it's maximum one to two pages. A recruiter or hiring manager literally looks at your resume for about seven to 10 seconds, so it needs to be short, sharp, and it needs to capture their attention. You do not need to have your part time job when you were 15 on there so just get rid of that kind of fluff on the end. Another do is tailor your resume for every single job, it will be annoying, but it is the biggest thing to make your resume stand out. So literally print off the job description, go through and highlight all the key words and insert those key words into your resume, where relevant obviously. Another do is use bullet points, use dot points to make it really simple and easy, it doesn't need to be an essay. One of my biggest tip is use numbers wherever possible. Numbers are really powerful. So instead of saying, "I grew the Instagram platform for this brand", say, "I grew the Instagram by 200% and it also caused a three time return on adspend". So use numbers wherever you can and it makes it really impressive to the recruiter. And yes, sprinkle them all throughout as much as possible. And then on the flip side don'ts is kind of similar to what I just said. Don't be general, don't just have random phrases that don't really make sense or have just kind of vaguely described what you did at a job. And on top of that, don't be shy and don't play small, like own your accomplishments, own the things that you've done in the past. As women, we tend to kind of sweep to the side or just not be confident with things that we've achieved. So just be proud of it and show how much that you can bring to the table. Leading on from that don't lie on your resume. I know it can be tempting to kind of say like, "Yeah, I have experience doing this", but it will unravel quite quickly. And it can be quite embarrassing, because the hiring manager obviously knows when you've lied about something. And a tiny thing as well is avoid any identifying factors. I wouldn't put a picture of yourself on there, I wouldn't put your full address on your resume. You don't want anything that could lead to any bias.
Alex Hourigan
True.
Sally McMullen
Ooh, I've never thought of that.
Alex Hourigan
I was gonna ask you that been like, "What's your thoughts on the pic on the resume?". Yeah, don't do it.
Sally McMullen
Takes up valuable real estate when you only have one or two pages.
Alex Hourigan
You know how there's kind of those two different types of resumes you can do that's like, there's the black and white, literally heading, dot points. Or there's kind of like the Canva template, which has like, a little bit more of creative flair to it. Which type of resume should people be using more?
Tea Angelos
I think it depends on the industry, for one, so more creative industries, you can probably do a bit more of a creative resume. But you have to remember that most companies feed their resumes through an ATS system like a computer system to kind of reject or accept resumes to cull them in the first round. So those things don't do well with Canva kind of resumes and they just like that black and white text. So if in doubt, I'll just do the super simple resume because it's easy to read, recruiters know what they're looking for. But if it is a really creative or trendy kind of firm, I would go for something a bit more left field.
Alex Hourigan
That's good to know. Good to know for the next job I apply for, Sal. Just kidding.
Sally McMullen
Break my heart. So you literally wrote an entire course on this. But what are your three top tips on acing a job interview? Because like Al hates writing CVs, I hate job interviews! They're so hard!
Tea Angelos
Tip number one would 100% be prepared and it sounds obvious but be prepared is a little bit more than just reading the job ads. So do some background research about the company, about the business that you've applied for. Read up on the latest news about them. Have they been featured in the media recently, and also do a bit of a LinkedIn stalk about the person that's interviewing you, they actually find it really flattering most people do. And you can actually see if you've got any connections, and you can kind of bring them up during the interview. Tip number two is to be confident. So preparation and practice is so important and the more prepared you feel, the more confident you're going to feel on the day. So remember that you've been invited to this interview, because the recruiter or the hiring manager already thinks you have what it takes to do the job, they've read your resume, they think you've got the skills, and now they just want to get to know you as a person. So go in there and be confident, you've got what it takes for it. And then lastly, and something that a lot of people forget is, don't forget to ask them questions as well. So an interview is a two way street, you're also interviewing the company and your potential new manager or boss and seeing if they're a place that you want to work at. So ask them questions about the culture, about what the day in your life will look like. And yeah, get to know them as well and think of it as a two way street.
Yeah, whether there are Friday drinks that start at three o'clock.
Sally McMullen
Exactly.
Alex Hourigan
Very big value there.
Tea Angelos
Is Friday even a workday?
Sally McMullen
Yeah, exactly. What about four day workweek? Can we work that in?
Alex Hourigan
How, like, much are we attached to that like nine AM start? Things like that, very important.
Sally McMullen
Literally, I think an important question to ask in a job interview as well is, what the next steps, what's the career progression beyond this role as well? Because if they don't have anything to say, I think that's a bit of a red flag.
Alex Hourigan
Let's fast forward, you've done the resume, aced the job interview, guess what? You got the job. What is your advice for negotiating your starting salary? And/or promotion salary? Is it the same thing? What would your kind of advice be for the starting salary and then also getting a promotion salary?
Tea Angelos
So pretty similar, slight differences. With your starting salary, I think something that a lot of people get a bit scared to ask for a higher starting salary than what's been offered to them. But it's important to know that negotiation is actually expected by most employers, especially after they've already made you the job offer, they really want you to work at their company. So they're obviously going to be a lot more flexible to kind of give you what you want. Because they've already gone through that whole process, they do not want to do it again. So do lots of research into salary trends, go onto Glassdoor, go into LinkedIn salaries and have a look into what other people in your industry, in your city, with similar skills as you are getting paid. And the more data and the more evidence you have, the stronger your position is going to be. And then on the other side, if you're asking for a promotion, once you're already there, again, do your research, learn about what other people are getting paid and making sure that's competitive, and start keeping a log of all your accomplishments. So keep track of the projects that you're doing, positive feedback that you've gotten from clients or your team and regularly share these with your manager or your boss, either via email once a week, or once a fortnight or when you catch up with them. And this is going to form the evidence and plant the seed in their mind that you're doing such a good job that you deserve the promotion. So as well as that, remember that negotiation isn't an argument. It shouldn't be argumentative, it shouldn't be yelling at each other across the phone or via email, it's just a discussion and taking the emotion out of it will make it a lot less scary and intimidating. So be confident, be patient. It's a process, but it's so worth it.
Alex Hourigan
That's such a good thing that it isn't an argument I think as well, because it's can feel like a bit of a confrontation. That's why people can shy away from it. Do you think that people entering a junior role, so maybe their first full time role, do you think people can negotiate on that starting salary?
Tea Angelos
It depends on the industry. But my first role was in consulting at a big firm. And I didn't realise it at the time but so many of the other graduates that got the job straight out of uni negotiated and successfully negotiated. So yes, there's always room, it never hurts to ask, it's a really rare scenario where they'll say no, and they'll also take away the job offer. Usually the worst thing is that they say no, and you just accept the salary that they offered you. So definitely no harm in asking. I say.
Alex Hourigan
Okay, get that money, chicks.
Sally McMullen
And maybe chase after any perks as well. If they can't give you a monetary boost, then maybe ask for some perks.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, or I'm a big fan of like, "Okay, six months then can we revisit?". Like I can, you know, prove my worth a little bit, give me some like numerical achievements. That's also what I'm a big fan of like, don't be like, "Yeah, if you like really do well in engagement", be like, "Okay, what's the number?", so that there's no way that people can be like, "Oh, you did lift engagement, but we did want to see it a bit more". You know, you want to be like, "Okay, I'll lift it to 7% engagement", then you can be like that's ticked off, where's my money?
Sally McMullen
No grey areas.
Tea Angelos
Exactly. And being really proactive with your boss as well. Like everyone's boss has their own job to do, they're not just thinking about you wanting a promotion to actually talk to them be really open about what you're achieving, the KPIs that you're hitting. And yeah, push along for that promotion chat, and yeah, and negotiation chat, because it's not at the forefront of their mind, but it is for you.
Alex Hourigan
Love that.
Sally McMullen
Moving on to self-care.
Alex Hourigan
Ah, my favourite topic.
Sally McMullen
I was gonna say, probably our favourite out of all of the topics that we're covering today. So you have 100 days of self care challenge, and quite a bit of it is focused on meditation, which I haven't done too much of. I'd say I'm a bit of a newbie when it comes to meditation. So can you talk us through some of the benefits of meditation and how it can help with your self care?
Tea Angelos
Yeah, and I think when we think of being healthy, I think the first thing that we think about is eating well, doing regular exercise. And it's also really important to actually look after our mental health as well and I think a lot of people kind of put that to the side. And meditation is a really simple, really effective way that anyone can start doing to take care of their mental health. So I think there's a big misconception with meditation that it's sitting on the floor with your legs, cross legged for an hour kind of going, "hmmmm". But there's so many different aspects to it. Like you can use an app like Calm or Smiling Mind, you can do a guided meditation on YouTube or you can just kind of do some breathing exercises to ground yourself in your surroundings. And whatever you choose to do and however long you can do it, you could do it for 30 seconds, there's so many benefits of meditation. So not only as I said, does it help ground you especially if you're feeling really overwhelmed at work, you can just breathe for 30 seconds. It can also help you relieve stress, it allows you to focus and be in the present, and also it can help boost your creativity as well.
Alex Hourigan
I love that. I love meditating, because I have a very loud brain.
Sally McMullen
Yeah, I find it really hard to switch off. So those guided meditations where they literally tell you exactly what to do. I'm like, Yes,
Alex Hourigan
I love it whenever they're like, unclench your jaw, lower your shoulders and like release your forehead. And I'm like, "Ohh". So if you're listening to this right now, drop your forehead, unclench your jaw and drop your shoulders. Just, it's fine.
Sally McMullen
Let's start there.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, starte there. So how can you make a self care practice or routine stick? Like how can you make sure that you stick to it every day?
Tea Angelos
Honestly, schedule it into your day. Literally make it an appointment or a meeting in your calendar and stick to it like you would any other commitments. So you can start at just a 10 minute little meeting with yourself or longer and work your way up. But I think putting it in as like a dentist appointment equivalent or like a work meeting, you actually stick to what's in your calendar. So that's the best tip. And then as well as that, try different things and find what you enjoy. Self care is so personal. So what you enjoy, Sally, will be so different to what you enjoy, Alex. So it's learning like what actually relaxes me? What actually fills my cup? And incorporate more of that. And also on top of that, which is why we have our 100 Day self care challenge is focus on building the habit. After a while it'll just become second nature in your life and you won't even feel like it's a chore to take 30 minutes out of your day. You'll look forward to it and it's the best part of the day.
Sally McMullen
Yeah, so true. If anything, I noticed that once I've built the routine, if I fall off the wagon, then it has a really negative impact on how I'm feeling. It's like the opposite of what you would think.
Alex Hourigan
I feel like as well, we as a society have gotten a little bit better with our attitude towards self care and like prioritising it, especially after being in lockdown. I hate bringing it up.
Sally McMullen
I know, Ijust want to leave it in the past.
Tea Angelos
That's a time we don't talk about.
Alex Hourigan
I know, it's like we all know it happened, stop talking about it. But I'm like, I love a bubble bath. Bubble bath, face mask, massage. Like go book a massage on Sunday. I feel like people don't do that enough.
Sally McMullen
Yeah, literally.
Alex Hourigan
It's the best 50 bucks you'll spend, without a doubt.
Sally McMullen
Be self-indulgent.
Alex Hourigan
Moving on to our last category, relationships. Dun dun dun! We know, we all know how I feel about relationships. Sal's been in a relationship for like 14 years and I'm so fine being eternally single. On that note, what are your top tips for creating healthy boundaries in relationships?
Tea Angelos
Yeah, and I think there's three elements that are part of creating healthy boundaries and number one is knowing when a boundary of yours has been crossed. And the easiest way to know when this happens is if you start feeling defensive, if you start feeling anxious when someone does something, if you feel frustrated, and like be conscious of your physical symptoms as well. It could be sweating, you could have heavy breathing when someone does something that's crossed your boundaries. So listen to your body and recognise that these responses are signs that your boundaries have been crossed, first and foremost. After you recognise that boundaries being crossed, the most important part is expressing your feelings to that person. So use 'I' statements, don't just outright blame them for something and tell the person exactly how you're feeling and communicate the boundaries. So it could be saying something like, "I'm not comfortable when you do that". Or "When you do X, I feel Y. Please don't do it again". And just something super simple, it really works. And you don't need to over explain yourself or justify yourself and just yeah, be firm and direct, but still respectful. And then flowing on from that is expect a bit of resistance, like people sometimes don't take it well when you say, "I'm not comfortable with that", "Don't do it again". People might push back on you and say it was just a joke, or you're being too sensitive, but don't give into that person's resistance. You're setting that boundary for a reason. So don't take a step back, just be really firm and polite about it. But yeah, make sure you set the groundwork and set that boundary.
Sally McMullen
Wow. You're like, "Shit".
Alex Hourigan
I know. I was, I was, could you see me like, really being like, "Uh huh". Like, I was really getting.
Tea Angelos
Like, take some notes!
Alex Hourigan
Really like getting into what you're saying? I was like, "Okay, all right. That's good". I think that point of like, expect the resistance is really important. Because no one's gonna be like, "You know what? Yeah, I was a bit of a dick. Sorry!". Like, obviously, most friends will be like that. But you are going to be a bit like, "Oh, shit, sorry", taken aback if someone's being like, "Look, you've crossed the line". But hopefully most of the people in your life will be like, "Sorry, my bad". I know I do that, I talk out of my ass, sometimes. I'll see in someone's eyes that it hit a little bit deeper than I meant. And I'm like, "I'm so sorry!". I'll be like, "I'm so sorry", immediately and they're like, "It's fine." I'm like, Oh, I'm scum.
Sally McMullen
I hate myself. So I feel like a lot in just conversations and on social media lately, the term toxic relationships, or just toxic people has been coming up more and more. But what are the warning signs or red flags that you should be looking out for in a toxic relationship, whether that's romantic, friendship, or work or wherever it may be?
Tea Angelos
Yeah, and I think there's so many, but some of the more common signs in a toxic romantic relationship is one, they're taking no responsibility for their behaviour, two, they're emotionally unavailable, that's never a good sign. If they start fights over really small or miniscule things. If they don't listen to your feelings, and especially if they act like they're the only person in the relationship, it's all about them, your feelings just don't feel as valid as them, I think they're all really big warning signs that it's a toxic relationship. And then a lot of people actually find the toxic friendship piece a lot more interesting. And it's a lot more relevant, because a lot of us have probably had a toxic friend in our life. And some of the warning signs of that is they're never happy for your success, that's a massive sign. Like when you share good news with them, see how they react and that's a big warning sign if it's a little bit toxic. If when you leave hanging out with them, you go out with them, you go for coffee, you go out on a night out, how do you feel after you've left them? If you feel drained, if you feel exhausted, depleted, that's also another big warning sign. Another thing is if everything's a competition, if everything's always about who can outdo each other, it's a big warning sign. If they're always bringing up your past mistakes or things that you've done wrong and not letting you kind of grow and become a better person. If they project their insecurities onto you, that's also a huge red flag. And then also simply, if they just put no effort into your friendship, if they just it's always you reaching out, if it's very one sided, that's also a big warning sign as well.
You just listed everyone I knew in high school.
Sally McMullen
Literally. I think that's the common thing, though, is that it's often people that we've known for a long time, or you just put up to, "Oh, well, that's just how they are". And it's like it might be but that doesn't mean that it's a relationship that you have to be in.
Tea Angelos
I think it's so normal that we outgrow our friendships. Like people that you're friends with in high school, it's completely normal that you go in different directions and you don't become the same people that have things in common anymore. Learning to be okay with that and letting go of friendships, even if you've been friends for 15 years. It's okay.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, I think maybe two years ago, oh, God, it was longer than that. It was like maybe four years ago now, five years ago, I was really struggling with like a friendship group that I had had for years. And it's because you're friends with them for so long that you kind of make excuses for that behaviour. Like, "Oh, I've known them for 10 years like I've got to put in this effort for the relationship", and then it got to a point that I was like, you know what, I'm going to not reach out to anyone for a month, see who actually makes an effort to see me, because it was always me being like, "Let's do this, why don't we do this?". And then I actually took a step back for a month and it was really upsetting and also good to see who just, I just didn't hear from anymore. But then also was really good to see who I do need to put the time investment into. So if you are feeling like that maybe try that. Just ghost everyone for a month.
Sally McMullen
Literally and see what happens.
Tea Angelos
I've done that before, it definitely works.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, I was scared for a second. Tea was gonna be like, "Maybe don't do that". And I was like, "Okay, phew". I was like, hmm, is this bad advice?
Tea Angelos
It's interesting though because it's like, some people just get busy and like I think you understand like everyone lives a busy life. Sometimes you forget to text your friends but if it is is like a really long period like a month and you haven't heard through from them not even like liking your Instagram content or something, it's a pretty big sign that it's a very one sided friendship and you deserve more than that. So yeah don't put up with that.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah. On the other hand, I do a thing where it's like, I'm really social for maybe like two weeks and I'm out and I'm texting, I'm doing all this stuff. And then my social battery's done. And for two weeks, I'll will be like a recluse. And so I'll get texts and stuff. And then maybe a week later, I come back and I'm like, "Alright, guys, I'm back from my hole".
Tea Angelos
Like, I'm here.
Sally McMullen
Back from the dead.
Alex Hourigan
And like, my friends that are my good friends, are always like, "No dramas, babe. How are you feeling? You okay?". Because I'll be like, "I'm so sorry. I didn't reply, blah, blah, blah". And it's like, "No, no, no, no dramas. You free this weekend? Do you want to hang out? No pressure". Like,
Sally McMullen
They don't hold it against you.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah!
Sally McMullen
Yeah.
Tea Angelos
Yeah and it's having that mutual understanding, like knowing how your friends operate, and just being really understanding. But I think it's pretty obvious when someone is just a bad friend, and when they just need time to recharge their social battery.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah. Last but not least, how do you know whether it's worth repairing a relationship or ending a relationship? Again, can be friendship, romantic, familial, all that jazz.
Tea Angelos
Yeah, and there are similarities between all of it. So it can apply for everything. And I definitely think that sometimes you can improve and restore a relationship and actually get stronger with the person when you have an honest conversation with them and you impose your boundaries and you communicate all the things that are affecting you. But then other times, you just need to walk away for good. So to decide if the friendship, the relationship is repairable, as I said, start by sitting down with them, communicating about the issues and the behaviours that affect you. And similar to what we said about boundaries before, don't go into this conversation, just blaming them and attacking them, use your 'I' statements and focus on your feelings and what's concerning you. And then if they're responsive to these concerns, and they want to sort out the problem with you, work towards setting boundaries, changing things up and making a positive change for your friendship, your relationship. But if this fails, or you decide that it's not really a relationship or a friendship that you want to continue, or it's not actually going to be able to be repaired, then you need to think about whether this is a relationship of friendship that needs to end. And it sounds really easy to me just saying it here on the podcast, but this is really really hard. Like even if a friend you know is toxic or your partner you know is toxic to you, it's always hard ending something and there's no magic switch and you can't just remove feelings you can't just forget about memories that you shared with the person. So the process to heal after ending a relationship or a friendship can be really slow so you just have to be really kind to yourself, know your self worth and give yourself a lot of self love as well
Alex Hourigan
Tear to my eye. I'm like, "Yeah Sal, it's not my fault!".
Sally McMullen
Oh my god!
Alex Hourigan
Tehe.
Sally McMullen
Enabler! Tea's an enabler.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah! She said I can do it! She's like, "That's not what I said". Like she said, "Be kind to yourself", I'm like, "She said I could get back with my ex". Kidding. She didn't, don't do it. Well, thank you so much for joining us. I kind of wanted to sit down with you and be like okay, so here's everything that I feel like is going wrong with my life.
Sally McMullen
Literally.
Alex Hourigan
What do I do?
Sally McMullen
Fix it!
Alex Hourigan
If you're not following Smart Women Society yet, definitely jump on it because your content is incredible, insightful and just amazing, from a fellow woman.
Sally McMullen
And I don't feel like I'm being preached at.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah.
Sally McMullen
I think that's the best part.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, the best. But again, thank you so much and be sure to check out our episode with Tea on Add to Cart that is coming out this Thursday. And we just talk all our online shopping crippling addiction habits, favourite products, wardrobe staples, all that fun stuff.
Sally McMullen
All the good stuff, but till then.
Alex Hourigan
Till then.
Sally McMullen
Thanks for coming on Two Broke Chicks, Tea.
Tea Angelos
Thank you so much for having me, ladies.
Alex Hourigan
Thanks. Bye!
Sally McMullen
Bye!
Alex Hourigan
Well, that is a wrap. Tea is now my new life coach and I'm completely obsessed with her. And if you want to check out all of herr content, head to Smart Women Society, she's on TikTok and Instagram, you will not regret it. Thank you to our amazing producer Pariya Taherzadeh for being our guiding Angel through this podcast, Bamby Media for editing this episode and Made in Katana for hosting us each week in the studes. And don't forget to check out our episode with Tea this Thursday for Add to Cart. Last but not least, thanks to you chicks for having us in your ear holes, we absolutely love to be here. For any info check out the show notes finder.com.au/two-broke-chicks. You know the jazz.
Sally McMullen
You know the drill.
Alex Hourigan
Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. And yeah, we'll see you next time.
Sally McMullen
Bye, chicks!
Alex Hourigan
Bye, angels.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
LINKS & RECEIPTS
Follow Smart Womens Society on Instagram
Follow Smart Womens Society on TikTok
Find resources on the Smart Women Society website
CHUCK US A FOLLOW
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Join our private Facebook Group 'Broke Chicks Club'
CREDITS
Hosts: Sally McMullen and Alex Hourigan
Executive Producer: Pariya Taherzadeh
Editor: Bamby Media
Studio: Made In Katana
This podcast is powered by Finder and part of the Nova Podcast Network.
Thanks for listening.
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