The Block recap: Keep your powder room dry (06.10.2016)
Floor freak! 15mm is apparently end of the world for these whining losers.
Truth bomb: On Thursday nights, The Block is a masterwork of nothingness. There are no shoddy prizes from dubiously-connected sponsors to win, no harsh comments from Shaynna and the other judges to make your already minimal manhood shrink, no rubbish quizzes to boost your meagre budget. It's just you and your crap planning and your zero art deco knowledge and your uncooperative tradies proving how crap you are. And tonight, the shovel-loads of crap could have fertilised the as-yet-unfinished rooftop garden a hundred times over.
"If ever a week was going to blindside our couples, it's this one," host Scott Cam tells us as we kick off. He then completely burns his credibility by claiming that this week's combo of hallways, laundries and powder rooms is as tough as is gets: the equivalent of two master bedrooms in just seven days. Unless your relationship is as rocky as Julia and Sasha seem at this point, I doubt anyone is actually sleeping in the hallway. But whatever. Scott's in charge and I'm not.
The opener sets the tone. "At this rate sweets, we won't be finishing," Sasha proclaims. She's right, but there's a lot of disaster under the bridge to cover before we get to that particular failure. Starting with a random comment from Julia: "The powder room's a f***ing disaster." Sorry, we need to pause.
Powder rooms are not a thing in Australian houses. No-one EVER attends a barbeque and says "Sorry, where's the powder room?" If you're building a powder room, you're essentially acknowledging that you're too pretentious to say "spare dunny". Get over yourself.
Oh, and one last complaint for the opener: no-one needs to see Dan and Carleen in bed first thing in the morning. Enough with the boomer porn. But also: ditch the white and green sunglasses on your foreheads. So not working.
Wake up sunshine! Source: Channel 9.
For Karlie and Will, the week's challenges are all about concrete, as their concreter has not showed up and is delaying everything else being finished. I would be more sympathetic to this problem if phrases like "heritage cornicing" and "egg and dart" didn't keep being deployed. This is not something that anyone stuck in a hellish renovation actually says. They just swear without bleeping.
But let's be clear: ordinary language means nothing at The Block. We say what we're told, even when it makes no sense. "We've got a round table going in, which is contentious," the girls comment. No, dear. Australia's climate change policy is contentious. Your table is just a bad idea in your crowded hallway somewhere in Port Melbourne.
That said, points for a positively shameless rival network plug. Having accepted that the table is not going to happen, she describes it as "no deal", complete with crossed-arm gesture -- an unequivocal reference to Deal or No Deal, a Channel 7 show. I am literally amazed this was ever broadcast on a rival station.
Next up, some family time. But let's be blunt again: Dan and Carleen's bogan sons are not a selling point. It's supposed to be heartwarming when all three sprogs show up in the laundry of a random house the boomers are visiting in order to reunite with their parents. But I can't help thinking they all look like cast rejects from Chris Lilley's Angry Boys. If this is your heritage, maybe just give your money to charity.
Dan and Carleen get a welcome surprise from their sons. Source: Channel 9.
"That's probably the difference between us," Carleen says. "Once you become parents, you're not first anymore in your world." And that seems accurate, because right now Dan and Carleen's chances of coming first seem even lower than the intruding ceilings Andy and Ben are coping with thanks to Chris and Kim's incompetent builders invading their roof space.
But that's not even Andy and Ben's biggest problem. In the last episode they won the services of expert tiler Fabian, but he turns out to be a fussy bastard. "The best takes time," he says. He's been on the show before, so he should know time is not a central currency. But that doesn't seem to have sunk in. Early on, fatso Fabian is freaking because his fecund frontage can't fit past a standard ladder. This isn't going to end well.
Fabian walks off the job before he even starts. Source: Channel 9.
On top of that, Ben and Andy, a disaster zone pretending to be actual competitors, have a new catchphrase: "You need to have your positive pants on." On the evidence, this either means they will die of electrocution or an unpleasant disease.
Kim, meanwhile, takes corporate suck-up to new heights by wearing an ALDI bag on her head while painting. "Aldirific!" she proclaims. Horrific would be closer.
And all that's before Grindergate. Both Will/Karlie and Dan/Carleen have set their floors 15mm too high. "You have to grind the whole area," says Foreman Dan. Another sentence I thought I'd only ever hear in a porn flick. And a poor set-up for being ready for reveal.
Will and Karlie's floors are too high. Source: Channel 9.
"The big question is, will anybody finish?" Scott Cam asks. Well, probably: we need a competitive show. But no-one seems to have done it well this week. Sunday will be nasty.