The Block recap: Haters gonna hate (7.11.2016)
The judges have plenty of hate to spread around.
It was time for final room reveals last night in The Block’s challenge apartment as we limp toward this season’s finish. At stake was a collective $45,000 knocked off the reserve price of the winners’ apartments. The first place team would get a $20,000 break, with a $15,000 reduction for the second place team and $10,000 for third place. The bottom two would wallow in shame and penury for the remainder of their existence.
As the teams head toward their final 48 hours, some were feeling wistful while others, like viewers, can’t wait for the debacle to end. Kim confided that she was “sick of brushing concrete through [her] hair”. That seems like the kind of thing you can stop doing anytime you want, Kim.
Kim’s bizarre tonsorial choices aside, Dan was feeling emotional about the experience coming to end. He had a good cry, and we all wept with him for our lost innocence.
We were also treated to some more shameless plugs for Telstra’s “Home of the Future” and its voice-command wizardry. Julia stood in awe as the kitchen’s coffee maker sprung to life with a simple voice command. It’s nice to know the owners of the challenge apartment will be well caffeinated when their house goes crazy and murders them.
Finally, it was time for judging, and Shaynna, Darren and Neale were joined by real estate guru John McGrath. The judges were immediately wowed by the building’s foyer, and Shaynna went so far as to say the space made her “want to weep”. This whole series has made us want to weep, Shaynna, so we understand your sentiment. Julia echoed Shaynna’s sentiments, saying the foyer looked straight out of The Great Gatsby. Given that book is a stinging rebuke of materialism and excess, that might not be the compliment you think it is, Julia.
The judging then moved on to the rooftop, and after being told that Darren was struck “literally” speechless, the show then cut to an extended sequence of Darren talking.
Those pleasantries out of the way, it was time for the judges to heap our contestants with ridicule. First were Kim and Chris, who had the task of renovating the hallway, laundry and powder room. The first thing the judges were greeted with was the massive bank of servers and computers that run the home’s smart technology. Nothing feels homier than reminding yourself you’ve put your entire life in the hands of a cold, emotionless robot. Overall, the judges were underwhelmed. Shaynna called the decor “confused”, while Neale saw it as “undercooked”. Kim and Chris took the criticism with their usual aplomb. Chris bashed the judges for failing to acknowledge hard work, but if hard work was the only benchmark for success, Florence Foster Jenkins would have been the most celebrated singer in history.
Next up were Andy and Ben, who took on the master bedroom. To say the judges were unimpressed would be an understatement, and who could blame them? The boys’ decor looked like a room in an unrenovated Travelodge. Neale particularly hated a piece of 3-D resin artwork, but perhaps this was just because Will hadn’t found time to deface it. The judges also hated the walk-in robe, and Neale named it the worst room of The Block so far. Yikes.
Julia and Sasha faced the cantankerous judges next, who finally found something to like in the couple’s kitchen. The judges were wowed by the girls’ island bench, the decision to include a library ladder and the styling of the pantry. Shaynna also proclaimed that the wine fridge “screamed luxury”, which may indicate that it’s haunted.
Dan and Carleen’s living and dining room were next to face scrutiny. As usual, the couple had finished with time to spare. Perhaps they should have been a bit less frugal with their time, as the judges found the space ordinary and the furniture oddly placed. They also picked on a wall on which Dan and Carleen had hung two small prints, calling it the “blankest wall they’d ever seen”. Obviously they’ve never seen a blank wall. The dining room didn’t fare much better, with a tiny dining room table and some divisive, kitschy artwork. Neale called the spaces “undercooked and half baked”, which could be easily rectified by the adjacent kitchen.
Finally came Karlie and Will’s vast terrace. The judges loved the entertaining area and landscaping, as well as the kids’ play area. They were primarily impressed with the terrace’s size, which to be fair has more to do with the way spatial dimensions work than it does with anything Will and Karlie did.
|Kim and Chris||6||5||6||5||22|
|Julia and Sasha||10||10||10||10||40|
|Andy and Ben||5||5||6||3||19|
|Dan and Carleen||7||7||7||6||27|
|Karlie and Will||9||8.5||8.5||7.5||33.5|
The scores tallied, Julia and Sasha scored a runaway win with perfect scores across the board. Karlie and Will took second place, and Dan and Carleen managed to squeak in with a third place finish.