The Block 2017 recap: Blockholm Syndrome
There is some nastiness and much work to be done, but also love. Is it really wrapping up?
Powerful Scott Cam voice: "Day 85 of The Block, facade and front yard week."
Yes, blockheads, we are still here, glued like defect stickers to the wall.
Despite the enormous amount of work to do and so little time this is a reflective episode. Scott Cam's voice over sets the tone, musing on the quality of this season's contestants. Clearly not all couples are created equal. Cruel perhaps, but it's nice to see the show admit it.
But still, it's not about entirely about the finished houses. It's about the drama along the way. And along with self-reflection this episode is rich with sniping and vindictiveness (admittedly 90% of this is from Georgia).
Looking at the house facades everyone is pretty dark on Ronnie and Georgia's all-black paint job, which stands out from the softer colours of its neighbours. Ronnie is very house-proud (surprise) and dismisses Josh and Elyse's house as "a Byron Bay Bo-ho shack." Wow, who knew West Australians could be so uppity?
Totally ready for auction
Hannah and Clint really need a win. They've removed part of their house front and turned it into... a bar. That's their secret weapon. They're confident, but Clint genuinely sounds like he's walking off a brain injury. Also, we ended last episode with Clint and Hannah needing to redo their floors. But the show seems to have forgotten this completely, an insult to you the attentive viewer and to we poor diligent chroniclers of television history.
Of course none of it matters. Scott swoops in with some extra help to clean up the houses and ensure these Elsternwick beauties make it to the market. In a fitting parade of product placement the helpers are blue-branded "Mitre 10 guys". Human product placement.
There's the contractually-mandated shopping montage for cleaning products, but with a bonus awkward encounter between Elyse and Georgia. Elyse is friendly, too much so for Georgia, who is quick to badmouth Elyse to the camera for being "two-faced" the moment she's gone. "I don't like fake crap."
Editorially we're supposed to be neutral here at finder but Georgia is… extremely not my favourite contestant.
Sarah and Jason, meanwhile, appear to be painting the outside of their house in two different shades of grey. It really is impressive how much they manage to stuff up.
To err is human; to err continuously is Jason
After the ad break we get more product placement with the self-parking car. The first time I saw this it blew my tiny mind but I'm a jaded millennial. This is old technology now and I'm terribly unimpressed.
Next, as pay back for help with getting their pool in, Wombat comes through on the deal and takes Elyse out for a smoothie and salon session (No it doesn't make sense to me either). Of course it's all just an elaborate plot to get Wombat's chest waxed on camera.
What's pink and white and screams when you wax it? A wombat
Elyse is loving it and Wombat is not. Wombat swiftly goes from pale and hairy to pink and hairless. He looks like a boy with a beard.
Everyone is talking about how much they're going to miss everything. Even the camera crews entering their bedrooms before sunrise every morning. Blockholm Syndrome indeed.
And here come the mighty Mitre 10 men to help the contestants. It's one per contestant and Scott Cam divvies them up like we're in a Biblical parable. Seriously.
Unto each couple a man is given
Scott Cam: "Who among you is the most patient?" The patient man is given to Sarah and Jason, as a test of endurance.
"Who among you is the most nurturing?" The nurturing man is given to Clint and Hannah, who need help and love.
"Who among you is the most villainous?" The villainous man is embraced by Ronnie and Georgia with wicked laughter all round.
Who among you is the silliest man?" The silliest man is sent to Sticks and Wombat (this parable is starting to come apart). But in a moment of truly Biblical generosity they offer their man to Clint and Hannah, who need more help. Truly, they are the kings of kings.
And last, the luckiest man, goes to Josh and Elyse (the joke is he's lucky because Elyse is hot, which is problematic in my opinion but everyone laughs).
Unrelated, but would anyone be interested in a Scott Cam audiobook of the Old Testament? No? Just me? Fine.
Shelley Craft is back and she's brought Alice Stolz from Domain. Together with Scott Cam they hand out 12 months of free home and contents insurance from... no, I'm not going to name the brand but you can compare a wide range of insurance products right here at finder.com.au. What? If Channel 9 does it why can't we?
We're treated to another fancy graphical representation of what the finished houses will look like. If they get finished. And you know what? Sarah and Jason's house could potentially look amazing. No, I'm completely serious.
Help, I'm starting to like Sarah and Jason. It's Blockholm Syndrome.
Missed an episode? You can read our recaps of every episode of The Block 2017 here.