The Block 2017 recap (31.07.17): Flatulent literature fails to impress

Posted: 31 July 2017 11:55 pm News

Copy of Ep 1- We're back, babyThe challenge rooms are judged, as is one team's scatological humour.

It’s night two of The Block, and we pick up from the cliffhanger ending last night’s premiere left us with. No doubt, none of us got any sleep fretting over how Jason and Sarah would resolve their paint emergency.

In a twist worthy of Shyamalan himself, they decide to switch from off-white to a slightly different off-white. Finally, we can stop holding our breath.

Tonight the teams have to finish their challenge bedrooms. At stake is first choice of houses to renovate, and complicating the issue is the fact that house number three contains a mysterious green safe. What’s inside? Our bet is the skeletons of last year’s losing team.

Speaking of skeletons, we’re treated to a brief catch-up with Sticks and his bushranger friend Wombat. The producers give us a brief glimpse into Wombat’s off-the-grid life. It turns out he lives in a shipping container in the middle of the wilderness, no doubt working on a follow-up to Walden.

After this small diversion, it’s a sprint to the finish as the couples get their rooms ready for judging. There’s much chaos, during which it becomes clear that Sticks has never seen pillow covers before in his life. He examines the manchester for the pair’s room as though he’s just stumbled upon the Rosetta Stone. Wombat has fared no better, having forgotten to pair the team’s doona cover with, you know, a doona.

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Finally, the moment of truth is here. Our judges, Shaynna Blaze, Neale Whitaker and Darren Palmer have arrived. The teams are all rightfully proud of the amazing work they’ve pulled off in just 48 hours, and it’s high time for this trio of professionals to crush everyone’s hopes and dreams.

First in the line of fire are Jason and Sarah, who are quietly confident in their work. With good reason, it turns out, as the judges are blown away by their level of finish. Neale praises their respect for the house’s bones. That’s good. Failing to properly honour a house’s bones is how you end up with a haunting. The only complaint is the lack of cornices.

Jason and Sarah

Jason and Sarah's room

Next up are Ronnie and Georgia, who are certain they have the winning room. Oddly, their design aesthetic includes what appears to be a dead pig beside the bed. It’s an admittedly arcane way to respect a house’s bones, but who are we to judge?

Ronnie and Georgia

Ronnie and Georgia's room, featuring dead pig

The judges love Ronnie and Georgia’s work, going so far as to call their cornicing “nuts”. I would have thought the most mentally unstable design choice was the pig carcass, but that’s why I’m not a professional renovation show judge.

Third are Josh and Elyse. The judges declare their room the most “Blocky”. This isn’t because they chose a Minecraft design palette. It’s because it looks the most like a room one would see on The Block. That seems to give it an advantage over a room that looks the most like one would see on, say, Survivor. But Shaynna is disappointed the couple didn’t honour the property’s heritage features. They should have sacrificed a pig.

Josh and Elyse

Josh and Elyse's room

Next up are Sticks and Wombat.

Sticks and Wombat

Sticks and Wombat's room

The judges are rightly impressed by the amazing railway sleeper bedhead, but Shaynna is less than impressed by the boys’ decision to style their room with a book about farts. Personally, we’re less than impressed by Shaynna’s woeful disregard for highbrow comedy.

Shaynna and book

Pictured: Comedy gold

Finally, the judges inspect the work of renovation newbies Hannah and Clint. They lambast the couple’s design as “soulless”, saying the room was trying too hard to be perfect. That’s nothing that can’t be fixed by a well-placed fart book.

Hannah and Clint

Clint and Hannah's room

The rooms judged, it’s time to reveal the scores:

Contestants Final score Chosen house
Ronnie and Georgia 27/30 House 3
Josh and Elyse 22.5/30 House 5
Jason and Sarah 21.5/30 House 1
Sticks and Wombat 19.5/30 House 4
Hannah and Clint Not revealed! House 2

Ronnie and Georgia run away with the win, and decide to pick house three, home to the mysterious safe. In the safe they find tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of store vouchers along with $5,000 in cash. They also find a recorded message from Scott Cam, telling them that they must choose between taking the $8,700 they spent on their challenge room from another team’s budget or forcing another team to switch houses.

Ronnie and Georgia safe

Ronnie and Georgia play it safe

Considering Josh and Elyse, house three’s former inhabitants, treated the property like a rubbish tip and forced Ronnie and Georgia to burn half a day cleaning up their mess, the choice of who to screw over is pretty clear. Ronnie and Georgia end up $8,700 richer, and all it cost them was the eternal, burning hatred of another couple. And thus we witness the birth of this year’s first feud.

The contestants are now tasked with delivering a main bathroom over the week ahead. Everyone dives into the task headfirst, with the exception of Jason who stands around eating sandwiches. When foremen Keith and Dan confront him over his lack of progress, he reminds them of the story of the tortoise and the hare. Keith and Dan retort by reminding him of the equally time-honoured fable, “The Sandwich-Eating Goofball Who Didn’t Finish His Bathroom”.

This does nothing to put a spring in Jason’s step. On a trip to pick out tile, we discover that Sarah moves somehow even slower. Metamorphic rocks have formed in the time it takes these two to park and get out of a car. If you look in the background, you can see several glaciers and a three-toed sloth sprint by while the pair are examining tiles. By the time they finish their bathroom, our sun will have long since winked out of existence.

Join us tomorrow when, much to viewers' surprise, the teams run into trouble finishing their bathrooms.

Missed an episode? You can read our recaps of every episode of The Block 2017 here.

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