The Block 2017 judging recap (13.08.17): Bathrooms? We don’t need no stinking bathrooms!
It’s judging night on The Block as our contestants scramble to finish their guest bedrooms.
Complicating matters is the fact that three of the teams (Josh and Elyse, Jason and Sarah and Sticks and Wombat) have chosen to add ensuites.
When last we left our contestants, Sarah was at the end of her tether after finding out she wouldn’t be able to get the insect wallpaper to complete her chamber of horrors. She and Jason have chosen to paint their room an imposing black, so now she needs to find another wallpaper to really sell the mind-rending terror. Maybe something with skeletons, or vampires, or a wallpaper that, when you stare at it, shows you the exact moment and manner of your death?
Ronnie and Georgia, meanwhile, are focusing more on making their room comfortable and inviting rather than ripping guests’ sanity out of their shrieking skulls. They’ve sprinted ahead of the other teams and are almost done. Ronnie shows us their secret weapon: a light fixture taken from Sticks and Wombat’s rubbish that has been repurposed as a, I don’t know, gewgaw? In any case, they’ve styled the whole room around it.
A bauble? A curio? A gimcrack? A bagatelle?
Blissfully unaware of the inspiration they’ve delivered their rivals, Sticks and Wombat are powering ahead with their guest bedroom when Foremen Keith and Dan show up to shower them with pessimism. Dan wonders aloud whether or not the fireplace the boys have installed is superfluous, and it leads to a protracted segment demonstrating the failure of Australia’s school system. Literally none of the other contestants know the definition of the word “superfluous”. Dan goes from Blockhead to Blockhead, putting them on the spot and eliciting blank stares. Don’t worry guys. We’ll define it for you:
superfluous[soo-pur-floo-uh s](adj.) The first 30 minutes of tonight’s episode.
Josh and Elyse were apparently hoping that the worksite’s safety protocols were superfluous, but are sadly mistaken. Their glaziers show up to install a shower screen in the couple’s ensuite, and are stopped in their tracks by Keith. He tells them they can’t go onsite without going through initiation. I’m assuming he means some kind of bizarre hazing ritual.
The Block initiation
As is The Block’s custom, crisis is narrowly averted and the installation goes ahead.
As everyone else struggles to finish by the 5pm power tool cut-off, Ronnie and Georgia have completed their room all the way down to the styling, and are preparing for a night on the town. Georgia has an entire team of hair stylists coiffing her, while Ronnie has subjected some poor woman to rubbing his feet. For a spot of tomfoolery, Keith tags in unbeknownst to Ronnie and rubs his feet for a couple minutes before Ronnie notices and they all have a good laugh. And somehow this is supposed to be less creepy than Ronnie playfully kissing Keith on the head last week.
Finally, it’s the morning of the room reveals. The judges arrive and we’re down to business.
First up are Jason and Sarah, and I have to say that their House of 1,000 Corpses actually ended up looking awesome. Sarah replaced her bug wallpaper with a print of the same colour featuring native flowers, which I assume are carnivorous to fit the motif. The dark colours are offset by white wardrobes.
Jason and Sarah's room
The judges are very impressed, with Darren saying the room reminds him of a boutique hotel. The one major criticism is some poor paint work, but I assume Jason and Sarah’s hands were trembling from existential horror.
Next up are hard-luck couple Hannah and Clint, who have done impressive work pulling off their room in spite of having to travel to Queensland for a funeral.
Hannah and Clint's room
The judges all recognise the progress the pair have made with their styling and finishes. Neale says the large wardrobe is the “star of the room”. In that case, maybe it’ll get its own spin-off where it plays a wisecracking, loose-cannon cop partnered with a stuffy, by-the-book dressing table.
"I'm getting' too old for this $#*%!"
Ronnie and Georgia’s room is next, and the judges almost immediately hone in the bauble the couple took from Sticks and Wombat’s rubbish. They love the detail, and are especially wowed by the room’s dark timber floors. Shaynna goes so far as to say the room has made her forget the other rooms the judges have already seen. Either she’s very impressed, or Ronnie and Georgia’s house has a gas leak.
Ronnie and Georgia's room
Sticks and Wombat are next to face the judges, and floorboards are again the centre of attention. The judges love the flooring, and are very impressed by the superfluous fireplace.
Sticks and Wombat's room
While the ensuite continues to impress, the judges are a bit confused that the boys chose a heritage theme for the bedroom but paired it with a super-modern ensuite. It could be alarming for guests staying in the room who get up at night to use the bathroom and are momentarily convinced that they’ve traveled into the future.
Finally, it’s Josh and Elyse’s turn for judgement. Neale says the room has “bags of personality”, while Darren says he can’t keep his hands off the couple’s fabric bedhead. He lasciviously paws at it like Foreman Keith laying into one of Ronnie’s feet.
Josh and Elyse's room, with sumptuous bedhead
Unfortunately, diminutive Shaynna thinks the shower shelf in the couple’s ensuite is entirely too high. Yup, that’s definitely the kind of unfixable flaw that turns cashed-up buyers off multimillion dollar properties.
The scores are tallied, and it’s a love-fest for all the teams. But, much like Highlander, there can be only one. Or, more accurately, there can be only one good one and then several ponderous sequels.
|Jason and Sarah||9.5||8.5||9||27|
|Hannah and Clint||9.5||8.5||9||27|
|Ronnie and Georgia||9.5||9||9.5||28|
|Sticks and Wombat||9||8.5||9||26.5|
|Josh and Elyse||9||9||9.5||27.5|
Ronnie and Georgia eke out a half-point victory in spite of having no ensuite and finishing half a day before the rest of the teams. That shouldn't cause any controversy.