The Block 2017 recap (07.08.2017): Give these rookies a break!
Things go from bad to worse for likeable rookies Hannah and Clint.
A new week has begun on The Block, and it’s time to move on to guest bedrooms. But not before one last crack at last week’s bathroom challenge as the contestants get to savage each other’s work.
But lest you think we’re going to spring right into the action, Nine eases us in with an extended ad for Stayz. Bathroom week winners Josh and Elyse have their luxury Yarra Valley getaway while the other contestants are forced to stay behind and, you know, actually make progress on their houses. We see them wake up in the lap of luxury, apparently having slept with their $10,000 cash prize in a weird recreation of Indecent Proposal.
Back at the Block, Jason and Sarah are upset with their fourth-place finish. Though it does prove the old saying, “Slow and steady comes in fourth”. Ronnie and Georgia are likewise unhappy with their third-place finish, which just reinforces the familiar adage, ostensibly coined by the venerable Plato, “A stupid-looking Bluetooth speaker will knock you out of the top two”.
Finally, we get to the bloodletting as the contestants inspect each other’s bathrooms. The gloves are off! It’s go time! It’s carnage! It’s …
Jason and Sarah’s bathroom is first to undergo scrutiny, and everyone is full of praise. Ronnie and Georgia are impressed with the quality of the tiling and the general finish, while Sticks and Wombat marvel at the touch light on the vanity mirror like primitive man gazing upon fire as it’s handed down from Prometheus.
Next come Hannah and Clint, and it’s easy to see that The Block’s most likeable couple have got their fellow contestants onside. Everyone shares our heartbreak that the Queensland duo wasn’t able to finish, and Ronnie says he’s blown away that this is the pair’s first renovation. Jason and Sarah go so far as to say Hannah and Clint would have won the week given a bit more time, and that’s even taking into account their forlorn toilet.
Pictured: Hannah and Clint's toilet
Ronnie and Georgia’s bathroom is next, and everyone remains effusive in their praise. There’s a bit of concern about the extremely oddly-placed tap for the couple’s bath which has been marooned in the middle of the room as though it got lost on its way to the corner, but the contestants are otherwise impressed.
Now it’s on to Sticks and Wombat, and here the love-fest ends. It seems magnanimity only goes so far. Georgia goes full-blown conspiracy theorist when she notices that the boys put in a clawfoot bathtub similar to the one she and Ronnie installed in their bathroom. You know, Georgia, there are really only so many kinds of feet a bathtub can have.
Jason and Sarah have a go at the hodgepodge fittings, with different metals used for the towel rails, cabinet handles and tap handles. Jason calls it a "meat lovers pizza", as though that’s supposed to be insulting. Yeah, you know why they call that pizza a "meat lovers pizza", Jason? BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE IT.
But at this point, the producers decide we’re all getting a bit too invested and have probably gone a good five minutes without zoning out and checking our phones, so they grind the action to a halt so we can watch Josh and Elyse go on a hot air balloon ride.
AND SPEAKING OF HOT AIR!
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Speaking of hot air, it’s back to the Block, where the couples are trying Josh and Elyse in absentia. Everyone seems to agree that the right couple won the week, as they’re wowed by the level of attention to detail in Josh and Elyse’s bathroom.
Finally, it’s time to start on their guest rooms. First everyone gets stuck into some demolition, and Ronnie seems to be enjoying it a bit too much. He attacks the walls as though they just criticised his $1,500 Bluetooth speaker.
Meanwhile, Clint and Hannah are still trying to finish last week’s bathroom. Foremen Keith and Dan arrive onsite to tell them their tiles are wrong, their grouting is shoddy, their door frames don’t go all the way to the ground, one of their walls is uneven and their house is technically on fire.
"And that wall DEFINITELY shouldn't be weeping blood."
They urge the pair to let their builder go and start fresh, but they’re asking the nicest people in the world to suddenly be hard-asses. It’s probably not going to happen.
Ronnie and Georgia have their own issues, most of them in their own heads. Georgia is convinced that the couple are being spied on due to the fact that two other teams chose clawfoot bathtubs. As opposed to what, Georgia? Hooved bathtubs? Tentacled bathtubs? Bathtubs that levitate several centimetres off the floor? She and Ronnie reach a level of paranoia just shy of accusing Sticks and Wombat of being members of the Illuminati.
Sticks and Wombat don’t have time for such nonsense, as they’ve got problems as well. It appears their house was built by someone with the same inner-ear problem as Hannah and Clint’s builder, because one of their exterior walls is 60mm from being plumb. It’s leaning like Michael Jackson in the "Smooth Criminal" video, and Scott Cam uses a lot of jargon and some nifty graphics to explain to us laymen that it will need to be straightened. Thank goodness we have an expert to spell this out for us.
Jason and Sarah are having their own problems, once again because the pair move at a pace slightly slower than continental drift. Sarah is crippled by indecision at the carpet store, and the poor, harried salesman warns her she has "two seconds" to decide so he can put her order in. Dude, Sarah doesn't even understand the concept of increments of time that small. Her watch is just a 12-month wall calendar. She uses a stalactite as an egg timer. She's slow, is what I'm sayin' folks.
Sarah springs into action
Scott Cam also proves his worth by taking the beleaguered Hannah and Clint under his wing. First, he calls in super-tiler Fabian to fix the couple’s bathroom with the power of his glorious mullet. Then he whisks Clint away for a carpentry masterclass with Foreman Keith, who’s also only too eager to help the lovable reno rookie.
Unfortunately, Hannah and Clint’s revelry is short-lived. Not only does Fabian tell them their bathroom has to be completely redone, but Clint gets news that his grandfather has passed away.
Seriously, universe, if things don’t start going right for these guys, we’re changing the channel.
Missed an episode? You can read our recaps of every episode of The Block 2017 here.